More Madonna, Less Jesus

Exploring the Unexpected at Bank of America

“Thank you for calling Bank of America. For security purposes….[bla bla bla... I
establish my identity.] Thank you for banking with us since March of this year.
How I can help you tonight?”

“I’d like to change my billing date. I got a $40 late fee last month because
you bill on the First, but I get paid on the First and pay my bills on the
Second or Third.”

“Yes, I can take care of that for you. [click click click] What is the
best date for your biling date?

“The Eighth.”

“Ok. [click click click]. I’ve put that in for you. It may take a few billing
cycles for that to take effect, so you may want to call.”

[ignoring the fact that I have no money before the first, so calling won't
help, I simply say]:

“Ok…”

[And I decide to go ahead and ask, because they can only say no. ]

“Can you reverse the late fee I got last month?
Because I pay my bills the same every month, you can see that I
paid it on the Third.”

“Yes, I can check to see what I can do.” [click click click. silence.
click click click] I can only reverse half of it, so I can give you a credit
of $19.95. We’ll meet you half-way; how’s that?”

“Ok, well, thanks for trying.”

At this point I’m ready to get off the phone. But
she needs to try to sell me something.

“While I have you on the phone, I’d like to offer you the Bank of America international
Credit Protection Plus. For certain life events, such as death of a family member,
birth of a child, or a marriage, we will pay up to three of your minimum monthly
payments, and…”

“Wait a minute. If I get married, you’ll give me a wedding present of, like $60 or
$80 bucks?”

“Uh, yes, something like that.”

“But I’m gay. I can’t get married. And yet you offer this benefit to straight people.”

“Well, you need to pay nineteen cents per month for every $1000 balance….”

“Sure, I know its not free, but do you see what I’m saying? This is a benefit
Bank of America gives to straight people and not to me, because I can’t
get married. You must see what I’m saying.”

[silence]

“I’m sorry you’re offended.”

“I’m not offended. I’m flabbergasted. I can’t believe that Bank of America
would still be doing something like this. I can’t wait to tell all my friends.
This is going on facebook. And I hope that this call is recorded and
you pass it around to everyone who works there.”

[I should say that my tone here was not angry, but very calm and logical. My housemates were
listening in and said later that my tone was not agnry, but stern with
just a little hint of humor.]

“I’m very sorry.”

“That’s ok, but isn’t it amazing that you couldn’t give me a full refund on a late fee that I
really didn’t deserve, and you would give me more than that if I
got married, which I can’t because I’m gay. Do you see what just happened here?”

“I guess I see your point.”

[silence]

“Thank you for banking with Bank of America since
March of this year, and have a nice evening. Good bye. ”